The Magical Adventures of a highclass gossip queen
by Walken-on-sunshine
Summary: James just called me the female Sirius today should I be offended? Should i get my army of ninjas to waste him with their numchucks? For Karen McCArthy life at Hogwarts is rarely boring but sometimes she feels she is recogngised for all the wrong reasons.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one: Comparisons**

Disclaimer: I don;t own anything, except in my dreams

"Jesus Karen how on Earth do you manage to make such a mess before you've even unpacked? Asked Lily in an exasperated voice. I surveyed my bed with a certain amount of pride- not many possesed my combined skills of disorginatisation and mess making and it was an added bonus that my untidyness pissed Lily Evans off. Just my luck that Igot stuck sharing a room with the biggest goody-goody in the entire world for seven fucking years, but i suppose it was marginally better than being in Slytherine.

"Years of practice" I shrugged, collapsing onto the mattress and feeling underneath it for the cigarettes I'd stashed from last term. Out of the corner of my eye I could see those irritating green eyes narrow in dissaproval as I lit one with my wand and inhaled, sighing theatrically for her benefit, like smoking was _so good _it gave me an orgasm or something.

"I do wish you wouldn't do that Karen- it's so bad for you." She whined, picking up some of the clothes I'd discarded from earlier and making a big show of folding them and sorting them neatly into my cupboard. If there's one thing I hate, its people touching my stuff, especially Martha Stewart wannabes with wands stuck up their arses.

"Lily please you're messing everything up, I won't be able to find anything in the morning" I snapped as she started rearranging the carnage of stuff on my bed side table. Sometimes i just don't know how James copes. She shrugged helplessly, I know she doesn't like our arrangement anymore than I do- we are the original odd couple, compleltely different in every possible way.

"So did you have a good Summer?" She asked, her voice strained with the effort of trying to maintain the civility between us.

'It was absolute bollcoks, the pitts. My fucking parents banished me to Scotland when they found out about the Derek incident.' I moaned, shuddering at the memory of two long months cooped up in a convent with my aunt and a hundred other ancient celibate cranks. Sexual frustration, nicoting withdrawal symptons and lack of tv makes Karen a dull girl.

"Well I warned you didn't I? You were just asking to get caught when you snuck up onto the roof of all places. I hate to break it to you Karen but discrepency is hardly one of your more honed skills."

"Yeah, and it didn't help that i fell off naked." I added, watching her blush at the very idea. I just love prudes, they're so easy to wind up. I rolled over so we were face to face and I had her utmost attention

'So have you been aqainted with James' little friend yet?" I asked, making Lily squirm was one of my absolute favourite games. It's especially fun because she's a red head and goes red as a tomato at the mere mention of anything remotely rude.

"Thats really none of yur buisness" She muttered, finally taking a hint and leaving my stuff alone, but it was to little to late and now I was curious.

'Oh my God you two have had Sex?' I squealed, "I bet he's fantastic in bed, being a seeker an all must keep him incredibly flexible." I chided, secretley hating the fact that she'd been getting some all over Summer while I was forced to share a room with a seventy year old relic with bowel problems.

"Keep your voice down Karen, I don;t want to talk about it, its _private._" She hissed , moving back to her own bed on the other side of the room in an effort to get away from me.

'Oh come on Lils, its not like I haven't heard it all before.' I laughed, as she glared at me, picking up a disgustingly thick book and sweeping out of the room, off to visit Jamesie no doubt.

"What was all that about?" Asked Janine, my other room mate and partner in crime as she came out from the bathroom and began drying her hair.

"James has finally made a woman out of our little Lily." I burst, watching her face contort in shock.

"What Evans' done it before me? How did this happen?' She demanded looking horrified. Janines waiting for the one. I've had several ones since my sexual awakeing in Bogna when I was sixteen, but that was less a case of destiny and more because there was nothing better to do. Don't get the wrong idea though, I'm not a slag, I've only ever slept with people I've been in serious relationships with, well relationships anyway, but what can I say? I'm a serial monogamist with a sexy ass that needs to be shared with the world and a hedonistic outlook.

'Don't feel to bad, red heads are notorious for their libido, she's been gagging for it since she hit puberty.'

* * *

"James just called me the female Sirius today- should I be offended? Should i get my army of ninjas to waste him with their numchucks?" I asked Janine as we changed for flying practice.

"Well I suppose he does have a bit of a reputation.' She remarkedwhilst pullingup a pair of shockingly tiny hot pants. Someone reallly wants to get laid.

"Who wears short shorts?' I chimed, pocking her in the side.

"Shut up McCarthy, your're the one being compared to Hogwarts answer to sodding Casanova." She shot back, Jesus sexual frustration is an ugly trait, I should know I hadn't so much as touched a boy since last August and that had disastrous consequences, namely bare arse, concrete andlots of ickle star gazing seventh years seeing way to much than their age permitted.

" I don't think its a fair comparison, I mean if you think about it in two years who have I been with?"I asked

"Well Derek obviously."

" Obviously- but we went out for ages, in fact I think technically we're still together since neither of us officially ended it before the Scotland fiasco.'

"Well considering that he was halfway down Izzy Taylors throat last timeI lookI think its safe to say you're finished.' She said with her usual amount of sesitivity and tact.

'Wow thanks for breaking it to me gently. Do you think the mafia are available to take care of him?' I drawled.

'Whatever' She replied in a disinterested voice. "You were with Kyle Brentworth for a while last year right?"

"Oh yeah, he cried once after we had sex and it was never the same after that, I mean I know I'm good and all, but I'm not that good."

Janine made retching noises beside me.

'Jesus, to much information.' She moaned. I grinned sheepishly, sometimes I forget that she's so innocent, but I love that about her, its so charming. Sometimes I wish that I'd held out, I mean people really respect her for wanting it to be right, unlike sex maniac over here.

"Sorry dude, anyway where was I? Oh yeah, well obviously there was Bogna Bill, but I think we should strike him from the record- it's an experience I'd rather forget.' I shuddered, remembering the painful inexperience, the clammy hands and awkward messhing of flesh. Oh and the sheep in the field opposite his window that I could swear were _staring _at us. Highly romantic stuff.

"And don't forget Robbie Behr, the old Ravenclaw captain." She added as we made our way out of the changing room. My eyes glazed over dreamily as I remembered _that _body

"How could I forget, man he was perfect, if only he wasn;t secretley lusting after dear old Sirius." I giggled, recalling the secret stash of Mr. Black photographsI found in a box under his bed, I swear I wasn't snooping...much.

"Well who can blame him- man they'd make one hell of a cute couple" We considered the idea for a moment, before shaking it simultaneously from our minds.

"Whatever doodle hopper, thats four, hardly Sirius "three in a bed and one waiting in the broom closet" Black standards is it."

We were out in the field by this point andas I finished my rantI dimly registered Pr. Gretcher yelling at us for being late as the other girls swooshed around above our heads.

We mounted our brooms and zoomed off into a secluded spot where we could smoke and gossip in peace.

"You're such a muggle." She giggled as I lit a Marlboro and we began passing it back and forth.

'Whatever, you Wizards are missing out.' I muttered, blowing into my hands to fend off the crisp, cold September air. We floated around for a few moments in amiable silence, before I noticed that Janine was getting wicked fidgety across from me, sending these weird little looks that I couldn;t make out. Finally I could take her weirdo behaviour no longer.

'What is it freakzoid?' I demanded.

'Karen, what would you think if I told you I might have found the one?' She mumbled ackwardly. My jaw dropped as I lost my grip and almost fell arse over face off the broom.

'What you got a boyfriend and didn't tell me?" I exploded, feeling ritiously pissed off.

'God no, d'you think I could keep that a secret?'

'Well what is it then- or more pointedly who?' I asked.

She went bright red and looked at the ground.

'Lupin- I mean nothings happened, but I just get this feeling when I'm around him, like something amazing will happen between the two of us you know the feeling right? And he makes me dizzy and when I'm not around him it feels like I can;t breath.' She babbled.

'Wait a minute Lupin, tall pale quiet one?' I asked

'Yeah- he's just amazing- he's got the most beautiful expressive green eyes, and I swear he looks like he should be a rock star.' She was off again. I thought hard for a moment, i was well aquainted with James, we'd been Potions buddies for years and Sirius and I were sparring partners but Remus had always been somewhat of an enigma. Admittedly I could see where Janine was coming from with the whole rockstar comparison, I'd always thought he had this mysterious, sexy quality.

'Do you think he's on drugs? He looks like he might be on drugs.'

'He is not on drugs, he's just got that look.' She snapped, and I knew at that moment that it was love. SHe only get's defensive when she really cares, like the time she punched Snape in the face for calling me a mudblood slut.

'Well I guess he has my blessing, he seems respectable.' I shrugged, feeling a weird protective vibe at the thought of my baby Janine growing up.

'Wow I'm so glad you approve.' SHe bit back sardonically, but I knew secretly she was pleased. Its not a nice feeling when your best friend hates your boyfriend, as I discovered when Janine took an instant dislike to Derek. But secretly I was mulling over her previous remark of _knowing_that something amazing was going to happen between them, because I'd never had that feeling and until that moment it hadn't occured to me that this might be a bad thing. I'd slept with four boys and I don't think I ever really liked any of them, not _really _liked. There were never supernovas and declarations of everlasting adoration, never moments of quiet tenderness as we lay in each others arms. Maybe, just maybe I was missing out on something, something that perhaps Janine was on the brink of experiencing, and I did not like this strange feeling of being left behind.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n: Only one review so far- thats not so spectacular and if I wasn't having so much fun with McCarthy's character I might just give this story up as a bad job. Please, please review if you like where this fic is heading so I'll know whether its worth pursueing any further. **

**Alexekia2222: Thankyou so much for reviewing, I hope you enjoy this next chapter and tell me what you think. **

* * *

**Chapter 2: If anyone wants me I'll be in my room**

"Dare you to swap Snivellus' powdered toadstools for Dragon pellets" Hissed James as we buzzed around the potions dungeon trying to brew up a vile of Invisiblity elixir before the end of the lesson. I gave him a look- it was a good look which aptly portrayed exactly what I thought of his childish sadism that should have long been grown out of.

"Dragon't pellets are an intense aphrodisiac" I replied rudely- don't ask how I know that.

"Exactly- he'll be stradling Pr. Argoyle before the lessons over." He replied with a dark grin, his eyes glinting maliciously. I can't deny the comic value of watching Snape come onto our ogre of a potions master, but even I'm not that cruel, contrary to popular belief.

"Do it yourself, I don;t want any part in your heartless scheme to drive Severus mad." I retorted whilst trying to grind half a tablespoon of Bogart liver- a most odious task.

"No it'll be way to obvious- come on McCarthy, don't be a spoil sport." He whinged, blocking my path to our cauldron and fixing me with his best puppy dog look, which really wasn't very convincing.

"Sirius is over there, get him to do it." I said, waving my hand absently behind me as I gave him a swift knee to the groin and hopped over his writhing body.

"Nice one McCarthy" Remarked Sirius, surveying the groaning form of his best friend as he ambled over to steal our monkshood. James glared up at him, still clutching his abdomen as he attemtped to stand. I don't know why he was making such a fuss, I barely even tapped him but James always was something of a baby when it came to girl on boy violence.

"Was that really necessary?' He asked in breathless voice- I guess I must have knocked the wind out of him.

"Absolutely, I won't be bullied into your torture Snape campaign." Sirius raised an eyebrow at this- a very nice, perfectly arced eyebrow- I wondered whether he plucked them, and if so whether he could give me some pointers.

"Come on McCarthy, you know it'll be fun." He said in his most silky, persuasive voice, but luckily I was immune to his charms.

"You can flutter your eyelashes all you like Black, I'm above persuasion." He looked surprised- I don't think a girls ever refused him anything before- especially after he used _that _voice. But though I am not blind to the fact that Sirius is gorgeous, I guess I just don't see the wow factor- there are plenty of good looking, intelligent, vaguely amusing blokes out there- what makes Sirius any different? Besides I think its good for him that at least one girl doesn't fawn over him like he's Mick Jagger incarnate in wizard form.

"Fine then, I guess we'll just have to find a girl with a sense of humour." He sniffed, looking rather put out.

"I hear Becky Walken's always up for a giggle." I suggested. Sirius just smiled wryly and gave me the finger- I would have been mortally offended but I could see him point- Becky's a complete maniac who just happens to be insanely, obsessively in love with Sirius, in fact she keeps pulling out random pieces of his hair to make love potions with in the hope of making him feel the same way. It is my ultimate wish in life that one day she will succeed, and Sirius will become her love slave. I hear she's even made a life sized statue of him out of his used cigarette butts.

* * *

Janine and I were sprawled out in the common room, trying in vain to ignore the hefty amount of transfiguration homework lying in front of us. 

"So what fantabulous plans shall we make for the weekend oh lesbo lover of mine?' I inquired whilst painting my nails a very sexy scarlet. Janine chewed thoughtfully on her quill for a moment, obviously considering the options. Personally I was up for getting shit faced in Hogsmeade.

"I hear some fifth year hufflepuffs are having a party in one of the basement classrooms." She offered after a while.

"Come on J- surely we can do better than a fifth year vomit fest." I sighed, pulling my new and improved less than impressed face- i think it still needed work though because Janine started looking at me weirdly and asking if perhaps I needed to take a trip to the bathroom.

"Did I hear someone say something about a party?' Asked a wonderfully familiar voice from above us before I was crushed by the weight of Sam Fitzgerald- the third member of our most awesome trio.

"Get off me your berk before I permanently disable a vital part of your anatomy." I squawked as he rolled over and settled himself between Janine and I- ah it was so good to see him again.

"Someone's in a pissy mood today- still not getting any eh Macca?' He asked in a bemused voice.

"Why does everyone always assume that my life revolves around sex?' I demanded grumpily, glaring up at his stupidly chiselled, ridiculously tanned face. If there's something I should mention early on about Sam its that he's outrageously, disarmingly goodlooking- something which could have serioulsy jeoparadised our friendship but remarkably didn't.

"If it'll put a smile back on your face you know I'm always available Mac.' He grinned cheekily causing me to exchange disgusted looks with Janine.

"Yuk- that would be like screwing my brother or something, not that I have a brother but I can imagine." I burst, trying to block the mental image from my already serioulsy warped brain. Sam looked crestfallen- like Sirius he finds it hard to accept that there are females out there who aren't begging to get into his trousers, however I suppose Janine and I were simply the exceptions that proved the rule as it was at this very moment that a group of sixth years decided to walk past giggling and giving him disgustingly obvious flirtacious glances. At least Sam felt loved again.

"So back to this party.' He said, redirecting the route of conversationg back to the forthcoming weekend.

"Guys we cannot spend our first weekend back with a bunch of kids." I moaned.

"Well I heard the Marauders are planning alittle welcome back get together on Friday night in the Room of Requirement for Hogwarts finest." Said Sam in a low voice, glancing round suspicioulsy to ensure we weren;t being overheard. Its ridiculous that they still use they're little club name in the seventh year, but I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't aching to go to that party. I had faith in Sam's abilities though, and I knew he could get us on the guest list- though he was fundamentally part of _our _camp, he still remained good friends with the boys in his dorm, namely Peter, James, Sirius and Remus- I suppose he needed a bit of testosterone fuelled conversation every now and then, something that they most definitely provided.

"Trust them to come up with something so utterly Elitist." I remarked tetchily, though I would have gladly bitten off my right arm in exchange for an invite.

"Oh come on Karen, its just what the doctor ordered." Said Janine, rousing from the thoughtful stupour she'd momentarily fallen into.

"I suppose it would give you ample oppertunity to converse with a certain Mr. Lupin" I replied with a sly smile, earning myself a sharp pinch in the arm- but boy was it worth it.

"What's this i hear- has our ickle Janey got a crush' Chimed Sam, grabbing her cheeks and making baby faces, causing Janine to flip out and tackle him to the ground.

"People please, there are minors watching." I shrieked, but to no avail- they were in fully fledged battle mode.

"Jane and Remus sitting in a tree K-I-S- awwww Jesus christ I think you broke something important" Groaned Sam, clutching at his 'ahem' nether regions.

"Hmmm what do we have here- public displays of affection? I never knew Jane had it in her" Remarked a rather bemused voice next to me. When did Sirius get here? I must have been to caught up in all the excitement to notice.

"Kids- can't live with them, can't live without them.' I sighed, shaking my head forlornly.

"I guess I should try and break it up, if Sam wants to keep the option of having children in the future open.' Said Sirius.

"I think its probably safer to let them battle it out alone- if anyone wants me I'll be in my room." I replied, climbing up the staircase to my dormitory with a vague plan of re-reading The Godfather before bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Chapter 3: Case of the Flying sausage**

* * *

"Aren't you going to thank me then?' Demanded Sam in a rather nasal voice as he burst into my dorm room- God knows how he manages it without setting off the klaxons and the whole slide thing. Janine likes to think that its because he looks so distinctively femine, but that doesn't explain why I had so much trouble trying to sneak Robbie into the room- he was so purtty.

Sam was giving me a weird, lop-sided smile, but that was probably because of the tremedously fat lip he was now sporting, courtesy of Janines surprisingly powerful right foot.

"For what exactly?' I asked in a snotty voice- he'd come in and interrupted me at the good bit, right when Michael was about to blast a couple of holes in Captain McCluskey and Sollozzo then hightail it over to Sicily.

Sam looked rather put out by my less than euphoric welcome, or perhaps he was just looking for some sympathy- he's always been a bit of a pansy when it comes to bodily harm. In our third year I "accidentally" knocked him off his broom during Quidditch try outs and broke his arm. The big girl refused to come out of the hospital wing for two weeks and made me stand three feet away from him at all times for the next six months- and he still somehow made the team ahead of me! There is just no justice in this world for people like me.

" For getting you into the party on Friday- although I'm already reconsidering letting Janine come." He muttered moodily, touching his swollen lip tentatively.

"Oh come on Sam, she did you a favour- you've got that whole "dangerous" look going now."

"Like James Bond?" He asked eagerly, pouting his lips so the bruise stuck out even further. Sam couldn't have been further from the sophisticated, suave Mr. Bond but I daren't tell him this and risk harming his sensitive male pride.

"Erm sure, just don't tell anyone who actually beat you up"

"She didn't beat me up- I'm at a disadvantage, I'm not allowed to hit _girls" _He bellowed "Besides Janine fights dirty- I thought you females were supposed to be regal and reserved- she's a bloody animal!"

Ah, this felt familiar, Sam and Janine warring over some stupid little thing, whilst I found myself caught in the middle trying desperately to ignore them both and carry on with something far more important, namely finishing the book that was laying abandoned in front of me. Yes school had well and truly begun again.

* * *

I've always loved the first week back, when you appretiate everything that little bit more because you've been away for so long and it all still seems so shiny and new and special. I especially enjoy meal times, being a product of your standard, nuclear muggle family I never tire of watching all that wonderful food suddenly appear by magic. However the experience is somewhat marred by the company I keep.

"Oi Macca are you going to finish that pasty?' Asked Sam with a mouth full of food- I swear boys have the worst eating habits, it's like that were all raised by pigs or something.

"Yes as it happens, thats why I'm still in the process of eating it!' I replied, waving it around in front of him to demonstrate my point. "Besides there's still a whole plate full left you lazy git."

Sam gazed across at me with desperate eyes.

"Yes but I'll have to stretch for them, and I'm not in a stretching mood." Why am I cursed with such moronic friends, I swear sometimes I just don't know what to do with them.

"Try stretching for this wanker." snapped Janine, throwing a sausage at him. She obvioulsy hadn't gotten over their fight from the previous night, but then again Janine never was one to let things go. I watched as said sausage bounced off his forehead onto his plate as the whole table stared at it in amazement.

"Are you eating that?' Peter asked after a moment of exagerrated silence, gulping it down in one without waiting for an answer or pausing to chew- bizarre. However Sam and Janine had chosen to ignore this strange happening, opting to stare hatefully at one another from across the table instead. Sometimes I think they're suffering from extreme sexual tension, but then other times I think they're just incredibly angry people who spend far to much time together.

"You crazy bitch, you almost had my eye out!" He hissed, choosing to ignore me as I snorted juice all over my skirt- I mean really, fancy having your eye pocked out by a flying sausage. "And I have a Quidditch match at the weekend- if we lose it'll be on your head."

"Wah, wah, wah I'm Sam and I'm going to go and cry about a big bad sausage" Retorted Janine in her sing song voice she only uses when she's incredibly pissed off- I have to say it was refreshing to hear it directed at someone else for once.

"I'm Janine and I think I'm great because I'm saving myself for Remus- let me go and angst and whine about it in my room for a whole fucking weekend then throw meat at my best friend because I'm so sodding sexually frustrated!" Sam snapped back, causing Janine to scream in mortification as Remus happened to be sitting not two people down from her. She gave him the most poisonous look I have ever seen her give anyone- like she wanted to simultaneously rip his penis off whilst gauging his eyes out. Even I could tell Sam had crossed some kind of line where friendship and keeping secret crushes secret were concerned, but he didn;t seem to think so, in fact he appeared rather chuffed at having finally managed to shut Janine up.

"You're an arsehole." She murmured in a deadly voice, before pushing her seat out and running from the room. We all watched her leave in morbid fascination, before I realised that all heads had turned to me.

"Oh right, this is the point where I'm supposed to go after her and do the whole reassuring best friend thing." I said after a moment of looking back at them all like they were crazy. As I walked past Sirius I heard him clap Remus on the back and say with a certain amount of pride. "Seems like someone's pining for some Moony love." Whatever the hell that means.

Remus I can report had gone the colour of Lilies hair and looked as though he'd very much like the ground to swallow him up along with all our dirty plates- he always has been the shy sort unlike his flamboyant best friends.

* * *

Janine for the most part divided her time between screaming about how much she wanted to castrate Sam and feed his "parts" to the giant squid, and then sobbing over what an idiot she'd looked and how she would never be able to go out in public again. I tried to look sympathetic but I still couldn't get over the whole big bad sausage thing. Am I immature, I think not.

And so Janine and Sam are no longer talking to one another, and apart from the occasional death glare they are chosing to pretend the other does not exist, which puts me in one hell of an ackward predicament. Oh well, guess I could just hide out on the roof until they've made up- should only take a couple of decades.

* * *

Hid out on the roof for the best part of the evening which, thankfully was warm and balmy. It's really rather pleasant sitting out there smoking the day away whilst making an attempt at doing some homework, although i've always been the two weeks after the final dead line knd of girl. Instead I distracted myself by firstly making a list of reasons I am happy to be back at school

1.) Don't have to make crazy excuses to the the parents whenever I want a smoke eg. I thought a raccoon was trying to attack the rubbish bins outside so I went over to investigate, then got into fight with said raccoon who ended up setting alight to rubbish with the matches it stole from next door- nastly little bugger! Oh and yes I am aware that we don't normally see Raccoons in Kent, those weirdos down the road must have smuggled one in illegally.

2.) Aforementioned meal times, although my experience thus far hasn't exactly been stellar. Tomorrow I'm sitting with the buddist kid in Hufflepuff- I need to rebalance my zen.

3.) All those sexy, sexy boys just ripe for the picking. How long do you have to go without sex before you can be considered a born again virgin, cos I;m telling you I'm feeling pretty virtuous and pure at the moment and I seriously don't like it!

4.) Seeing Sam and Janine again on a daily basis, although its nice to have my little refuge on the roof, thinking of staying there all weekend.

5.) Anticipation regarding party on Friday- I have this feeling in my bones that something major's going to happen... can;t fucking wait!

* * *

Just three more days till the party! I have devised a plan to pass the time by ignoring my two best friends who are to busy ignoring each other to notice this plan of action. In fact its not very good as it actually makes the time go much much slower,and I am actually contemplating talking to Lily as a result. Janine has become a vampire in reverse- only venturing out of the dormitories to go to classes during the day, then hiding out up there all evening. I don't know what she expects to happen if she dared to venture into the common room andhappened to runinto Remus, because as far as I can see the boy's over the moon about her crush, and with good reason. Janine is one sexy piece of arse with a sense of humour and brains to boot. Sadly she's plagued by ridiculously low self esteem and seemsto thinkthat Remus would laugh in her face if she were to bump into him. Am thinking of being hideously cruel tomorrow in Charms by stealing Remus's partner Sirius therefore forcing him to pair up with Janine- I am just to brilliant for this world mwahahaha. Janine's going to kill me.

* * *


End file.
